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My BPD and My Work

Well, as most of you borderliners already know, we flip through moods faster than even bipolar people do. To make matters worse, in my case and probably many others, we have other people's funks to deal with as well. I am beginning to believe I may be an empath. While I am know that my moods can and often do rub off on others; others moods can severely bring me down. Way down. We probably don't do this conciously, but misery loves company, right? There are a few, let's call them emotional bullies, hypercritical types at work. They nag and complain almost incessantly; most of these people are women--I suppose this is why I prefer to work with men. Actually, one of my favorite jobs ever was as a valet parking attendant, a place in which myself and only one other woman worked. Anyway, back to the original topic: I pray almost every morning prior to going in, I meditate by focusing on deep breathing for five to ten minutes in order to ground myself and prepare for a good day Then after a few criticisms at work toward me and/or one or more of my coworkers, I turn into a negative , critical person. Being somewhat of a perfectionist by nature, I am well aware that I also struggle with being intolerant of people with low standards, apathetic attitudes. That is one issue I pray and meditate on, is for more patience and tolerance, but then many times through no fault of my own it starts whirling around me and I "jump on the critical, negative bandwagon." I need to learn to better protect myself from this. Wish me luck, and I hope you find your solution to dealing with similar issues.

My BPD and My Mom's Cancer

Well, God is great and answered our prayers. He helped my mom's kidneys to heal and function again-she had to be admitted into critical care two weeks ago because her kidneys failed which is common with multiple myeloma. My BPD was spinning out of control just a couple weeks ago, but I am feeling better. My son's behavior has even improved since I am now more stable. Mom and I have had a rather rocky relationship; I am just beginning to understand and forgive her, I am not ready to lose her yet. I hope I can learn to be more patient, to love unconditionally, as I want to be loved.

My BPD and My Mom's Cancer

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My BPD and My Work

Do you even know how tired I am of the most disrespectful and unprofessional people at work getting all the hours, promotions and recognition. I follow their stupid effing policies, I am reliable, and customer focused. I have not called off in the more than one and a half years I have worked there. So, now my hours are getting reduced because I asked five days in advance if I could leave a couple hoirs early to take my mom to her oncology appointment because her cancer has come back. I have been so politically correct, aside from having words with the bully woman, yeah the one in which the rules don't apply. I have just had it, but I won't quit until I have something new. There is one thing I am not, I am not a quitter. Funny thing is that in the past week I have received two customer compliments. My standards are simply too high; I swear I will not be happy working for unprofessional, clueless people anymore. I just need to be my own boss, it is so clear to me that is most likely the only way I will ever be happy earning money.

My BPD and My Substance Abuse

So, it's been two weeks now since I have smoked. I kinda miss it, but I knew I had to quit because it was consuming me, again. When I found out last week that my mom's cancer--multiple myeloma--was back, I was proud of myself for not even wanting to go out to buy more weed:) I hope the rest of you that struggle with similar issues can resist the urge to use, you will feel so empowered! I hope this is my last time at the rodeo, as the saying goes, but if not I will try not to judge and punish myself. Actually, a nice ep frie.d, PaigeMarshall23, referred me to this great pdf, called, The Four Agreements, you should check it out; it's a great read. Thanks, Paige! You all take care and happy reading.

Bpd and brain chemistry

I found an amazing article by Dr. Leland M.
Heller about brain chem
and bpd, it was very
enlightening. He
compares bpd with
epilepsy, as being a
more neurological,
medical disorder than a
psychological one. If
you have some faulty gene and a negligent upbringing then it creates a perfect storm. But supposedly, bpd isn't always about having a traumatic childhood. You should check it out. I suppose I use the weed to dull the stress and pain cause my serotonin is messed up. I am too broke and proud to.take pharmaceuticals though.

My BPD and My Substance Abuse

So, I put down the weed again. It's been about a week. I noticed that because I was getting high so much that my grades in one of my college courses are suffering; it is in the A- range, so I need to focus to get it up. Lol! Get it up...Not only that but my son's reading grade is suffering because I wasn't being as diligent about making him read daily. I would be so high and tired that it would get set aside. The first few days without it are always rough and sleep can be difficult when quitting because the thc messes with how the brain makes serotonin or something like that. please tell me about your bpd and substance abuse problems.

My BPD and My Substance Abuse

Well, I officially "fell off the wagon" around Thanksgiving last fall. It seems that I often fall off around the holidays, how cliche, right? I need to stop before my son realizes, if he doesn't already, that his mom is a drug addict. Why is it so hard for me to be stronger than this compulsion to use weed?

My BPD and My Substance Abuse

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My BPD and My Work

The other day while visiting one of my older, wiser Christian friends, she gave me some very sound advice about my dilemma at work. Her tactic of killing my bully coworker, with kindness of course, had already occured to me. Ha ha , I threw you off for a sec didn't I? In fact, I had attempted it at least a few times only to eventually go back to her saying generally rude comments when no one was around but me. So, I tried it again and took the high road upon seeing her in the bathroom the other day before work. I looked her in the eyes and said , "good morning." She replied with the same. It actually turned out to be a very pleasant day. We will see how it goes next week when I have to work three days in a row with her. I think she now knows that I have it in me to assert myself so maybe our dynamic will remain changed for the better. I think by showing people like that that you aren't a chump is a good thing in the end. What do you all think? I am open to suggestions...

My BPD and My Work

This is hilarious. So I finally said something back to the childish bully woman at work, the one who dishes it out but cannot take it. She went and tattled on me to the GM, per what another manager friend of mine told me. It is just too funny, needless to say, or write in this case, the GM did not sit down and give me a stern talking to. This person is so insecure that she has to raise a schmear campaign against me to try to be
the most popular! Lol
It absolutely makes me
lol. Seriously, it's called make money not make friends. I have never been one to schmooze and brown nose to get ahead. This is why I think I need to be an entreprenuer, is that even how it's spelled?! I do not and will not be an ungenuine ass kisser to get ahead, I suppose that is why I am just getting by. Anyway, how many of you feel the way I do and who doesn't? Tell me about it. I think making friends at work is a perk but I am not gonna go out of my way to try to win some popularity contest, I have not been in high school for awhile and to tell you the truth I didn't do it then. The best part is that when I made the comment to her that she clearly wasn't expecting, I told her to make sure she goes and
tells everyone. I am vowing to myself to not give into my impish impulses regarding this person anymore; the best bet is to just ignore her.

My BPD and My Work

I have known for a long time that I am a highly polarized person, either you like me or you don't. There always seems to be those one or two people that I just do not mesh well with in the workplace.

Well, this one woman in particular has been getting under my skin for over a year now. My first experience that I can remember with her was when I was about two months into the job when I overheard her talking about me, she called me an umpaloompa. Yes, I am vertically challenged and I can laugh about myself and such things, but when someone says it that I already cannot stand and I am not friends with then I will say something and I did. This woman dishes and dishes out smart ass comments but she absolutely cannot take it if someone says something back. She perceives me, as she said one day when
we hashed out an issue
in the breakroom, as having something up my butt. Well, I perceive her to be somewhat of a self-righteous bully. She will go on and on about something someone else did wrong but then be in complete denial and not accept responsibility when she makes a mistake. I have actually made her out as a fool a couple times while solving a problem on my own in a way that never occured to her. I get along with almost everyone else at work. A few years ago, I was fired from a job after reporting a woman's behavior to HR. She was bullying, or harassing me in a sense, I feel because she was jealous that I was the GM's assistant, I was close to the GM
and likely made more
money than the bully
woman. Because I had
asserted myself and
said I wouldn't allow
the bad treatment eventually I became the bad guy for not just taking the harassment and the GM went to what I call the dark side. Lol! I actually talked with lawyers and because it was generalized harassment and I could not say it was due to my sex or because of some disability then I didn't have a clear cut harassment claim. If it had been a clear cut kind of harassment then I could have sued the employer for wrongful, or retaliatory termination because I had reported. I didn't want money from a lawsuit though, I simply wanted my job back and to work in a non-hostile environment. I actually ended up going to the EEOC and got awarded some hush hush money and they ended up unblocking my employment because initially they tried to block my unemployment compensation. The employer claimed that I had willfully misconducted myself! It was a lie and I went to mediation with the VP of human resources of a large national company. Always fight for your rights, most employers play dirty. It took me a long time to get over the loss of that job because aside from the large woman calling me a little fat lazy ass-mind you I am heafty but definitely was not as large as her- I liked almost all aspects of my job. It turns out that the bully woman had ran out four assistants, none of us were there much longer than a year. The others were just smart enough to get other jobs and not stay and stand their ground to try to improve the situation. What I have learned from my and many others experiences is that most antiharassment policies are meaningless words, wasted ink on wasted paper. The people that report such issues usually get canned. I know these issues I have have a lot to do with my disorder and my unwillingness to be disrespected in the workplace. I supposed I have not evolved above it yet and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Do any of the rest of you struggle this way? Please tell me about it.

My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy

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My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy

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My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy

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My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy

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My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-

Oh, my strong-willed child, we greeted yet another day in a battle. It all started with, "Good morning, I love you." He replies to me, "No you don't." I knew then it may be a doozie of a morning. Then came the coughs, and sniffles, it is January so of course the colds and flus are in full swing. I take his temperature because he feels overly warm and honestly I hoped for a moment that it would be high, then we could both lie back down. I would escape the battle of wills.

But wait, then he will be home all day and the entire day could be battles. I need to get my own school work done. Now I wanted his temperature to be normal, turns out it was. So I go and get the cold medicine and in normal form he loves it. This wasn't normal form. Or was it, had it infiltrated my life so much in recent days that it has become normal?

The it to which I referred is the alter-ego monster child. I jestfully say to him to put away his evil twin. We laugh about it sometimes. This morning I wasn't laughing, I wasn't crying, nor gritting my teeth or foaming at the mouth. I was just honestly trying to keep my voice, mind, and heart calm when he told me he was staying home. He also told me he wouldn't take the medicine. I just repeated calmly a few times, "Please take the medicine, it will help. You like it." Finally, he took it. One battle down and two to go, getting dressed and
breakfast. "I won't get dressed, I am not going to school. I hate school," he says. "So you will go to school and be cold in just your pajamas and hungry with stomach pains if you don't eat," I warned. I had done it, the strong-willed child still inside me had delivered the ultimatum, exactly what Cynthia Ulrich Tobias said not to do in her book, "You Can't Make me But I can Be Persuaded". It is about how to manage strong-willed children. So since I had delivered it, I had to follow through if he didn't get dressed. Oh, please, let him see it my way. I went to the kitchen and announced breakfast a couple minutes later. He comes in dressed but now demanding in a brash and disrespectful tone for me to help him with his "stupid" jeans button and about my not buying him pants with buttons anymore. So much is so hard for Nate, and that is exactly as I have always felt of myself. Like I am a disaster and obstacle magnet. It's mostly self-imposed snd fulfilled prophecies, I guess. Anyway, my boy is fiercely independent. He has a hard time asking for help because of his will to do it all himself, except of course when it comes to cleaning up after himself. I should have been celebrating the fact that he asked for help but the whole thing was mucked up with the way he asked. It was unacceptable. I thought, man, I need to get some food in this kid. Finally, after about a minute of me refusing to help because of his tone and him harassing me, he asked nicely. But then he said, "nevermind," because he had to relieve himself. I asked him to wash his hands bacause most of the time he won't if he isn't asked even though he knows it's expected. It's like he wants to have to be told to do things so he can refuse and argue! A couple minutes later he came trotting out of the bathroom. I thanked him for washing his hands and buttoned him up. He sat down to eat. After that he put on his shoes, no battle included. We headed to school. On our way I don't know what sparked more contention and disrespectful talk. But I said something I regret, I said that I may have to send him to live with his dad. Would his dad even take him if I could no longer manage? What if he wanted to go? Could I handle being apart from him? I know I could if I really knew it was for his own good. Maybe I am not what he needs. I didn't mean for him to go live with hos dad as a punishment or cause I didn't wa.t him. I just want what's best for Nate, that's all. I also don't want to feel terrorized nearly everyday. Sometimes I blame myself, had my strong-willed nature and disorder created this monster?

My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy

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1-11 of 11 Blogs   

Previous Posts
My BPD and My Work, posted June 7th, 2013
My BPD and My Mom's Cancer, posted May 23rd, 2013
My BPD and My Mom's Cancer, posted May 8th, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted May 3rd, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted April 29th, 2013
Bpd and brain chemistry, posted April 23rd, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted April 23rd, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted April 4th, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted March 7th, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted March 1st, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted February 24th, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted February 18th, 2013, 1 comment
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted February 13th, 2013, 1 comment
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted February 4th, 2013, 2 comments
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted February 1st, 2013
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted January 31st, 2013
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-, posted January 30th, 2013
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted January 29th, 2013, 2 comments

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