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My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong- | ultamb76's Blog


Oh, my strong-willed child, we greeted yet another day in a battle. It all started with, "Good morning, I love you." He replies to me, "No you don't." I knew then it may be a doozie of a morning. Then came the coughs, and sniffles, it is January so of course the colds and flus are in full swing. I take his temperature because he feels overly warm and honestly I hoped for a moment that it would be high, then we could both lie back down. I would escape the battle of wills.

But wait, then he will be home all day and the entire day could be battles. I need to get my own school work done. Now I wanted his temperature to be normal, turns out it was. So I go and get the cold medicine and in normal form he loves it. This wasn't normal form. Or was it, had it infiltrated my life so much in recent days that it has become normal?

The it to which I referred is the alter-ego monster child. I jestfully say to him to put away his evil twin. We laugh about it sometimes. This morning I wasn't laughing, I wasn't crying, nor gritting my teeth or foaming at the mouth. I was just honestly trying to keep my voice, mind, and heart calm when he told me he was staying home. He also told me he wouldn't take the medicine. I just repeated calmly a few times, "Please take the medicine, it will help. You like it." Finally, he took it. One battle down and two to go, getting dressed and
breakfast. "I won't get dressed, I am not going to school. I hate school," he says. "So you will go to school and be cold in just your pajamas and hungry with stomach pains if you don't eat," I warned. I had done it, the strong-willed child still inside me had delivered the ultimatum, exactly what Cynthia Ulrich Tobias said not to do in her book, "You Can't Make me But I can Be Persuaded". It is about how to manage strong-willed children. So since I had delivered it, I had to follow through if he didn't get dressed. Oh, please, let him see it my way. I went to the kitchen and announced breakfast a couple minutes later. He comes in dressed but now demanding in a brash and disrespectful tone for me to help him with his "stupid" jeans button and about my not buying him pants with buttons anymore. So much is so hard for Nate, and that is exactly as I have always felt of myself. Like I am a disaster and obstacle magnet. It's mostly self-imposed snd fulfilled prophecies, I guess. Anyway, my boy is fiercely independent. He has a hard time asking for help because of his will to do it all himself, except of course when it comes to cleaning up after himself. I should have been celebrating the fact that he asked for help but the whole thing was mucked up with the way he asked. It was unacceptable. I thought, man, I need to get some food in this kid. Finally, after about a minute of me refusing to help because of his tone and him harassing me, he asked nicely. But then he said, "nevermind," because he had to relieve himself. I asked him to wash his hands bacause most of the time he won't if he isn't asked even though he knows it's expected. It's like he wants to have to be told to do things so he can refuse and argue! A couple minutes later he came trotting out of the bathroom. I thanked him for washing his hands and buttoned him up. He sat down to eat. After that he put on his shoes, no battle included. We headed to school. On our way I don't know what sparked more contention and disrespectful talk. But I said something I regret, I said that I may have to send him to live with his dad. Would his dad even take him if I could no longer manage? What if he wanted to go? Could I handle being apart from him? I know I could if I really knew it was for his own good. Maybe I am not what he needs. I didn't mean for him to go live with hos dad as a punishment or cause I didn't wa.t him. I just want what's best for Nate, that's all. I also don't want to feel terrorized nearly everyday. Sometimes I blame myself, had my strong-willed nature and disorder created this monster?

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Previous Posts
My BPD and My Work, posted June 7th, 2013
My BPD and My Mom's Cancer, posted May 23rd, 2013
My BPD and My Mom's Cancer, posted May 8th, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted May 3rd, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted April 29th, 2013
Bpd and brain chemistry, posted April 23rd, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted April 23rd, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted April 4th, 2013
My BPD and My Substance Abuse, posted March 7th, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted March 1st, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted February 24th, 2013
My BPD and My Work, posted February 18th, 2013, 1 comment
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted February 13th, 2013, 1 comment
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted February 4th, 2013, 2 comments
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted February 1st, 2013
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted January 31st, 2013
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-, posted January 30th, 2013
My Struggles as a Single Mom with BPD & One Strong-Willed Boy, posted January 29th, 2013, 2 comments

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